


The Games We Play for LOVE

by PrinnPrick



Category: Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Fangirls, Funny, Homosexuality, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sephiroth is complete crack, Silly, Threats of Violence, gameshow, glue, mainly on yuffie, mentions of Subway sandwiches do not own nor sponsored, riku is an emo boi, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-27 21:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18747340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinnPrick/pseuds/PrinnPrick
Summary: Yuffie, Aerith, Namine, and Kairi decide to put on a Dating Game Show in order to bring their boys together.





	1. Leon and Cloud

**Author's Note:**

> This is another transferred story originally written with someone else. We had plans for a lot more chapters, but even when we were still writing together my co-author had a tendency to get sick of stuff super fast. I'm surprised we got as far as we did. 
> 
> So, sorry. If I were better at being funnier I might have continued this. But hey! At least you have a couple of chapters to enjoy?

"Are we ready yet?" Kairi snapped for the millionth time. Tidus was behind the large expensive film camera, fussing with wires and looking very distraught. "Tidus!"

"I'm trying!" He whined. "Its Yuffie's fault! She's the one who threw the ninja star in here!"

"Don't go blaming people for your mistakes!" Yuffie chirped as Namine helped her with her make-up. Aeris was there too, holding a clipboard and smiling broadly.

Namine was chuckling uncontrollably. "This is such a sneaky thing to do!"

"Yes, but we're getting good money on it." Reminded Aerith as the seats were being filled by dozens of girls.

"And if Tidus would hurry up with the camera," Kairi sighed.

"I got it!" Tidus said triumphantly. "Hurry, before Yuffie thrusts another object in here!"

"Ooohhh! Im on in five!" Yuffie checked her hair. "Am I pweety?" she cooed at Namine and Aerith.

Namine nodded with a roll of her eyes, moving away to grab her cue cards. Aerith giggled, nodding as well. "Now, remember. Big smiles!"

"Awesome!" Yuffie got up, striking a pose. "The Great Ninja Yuffie is ready for her close up!"

"Just get over there, O' Great Ninja." Kairi giggled, rolling her eyes. And Yuffie complied, grabbing a mic from Aerith as she went.

Namine gave Kairi's cheek a kiss, then moved to stand in place. Aerith stood beside Tidus at the camera. "In 10... 9... 8... 7... 6..." She counted with her fingers for everyone after five, and then pointed to Yuffie as the lights went off, leaving only the stage lit up.

"And welcome ladies and gentle-stuffs!" Yuffie gestured towards the audience. They were cheering loudly, holding stuffed animals and all wearing pajamas as though it were some strange sleepover. "To the very first ever Great Ninja Awesome of the Century Dating Game!"

Kairi slapped her forehead. "No, Yuffie! The _Lover's Dating Game!_ Follow the cards!"

"Despite what the director says, I AM following the cards!" Yuffie winked.

Everyone cheered and laughed, bouncing in their seats and giving squeals. Some had Cloud plushies.

Kairi just sighed, waving a dismissive hand.

"And now, to meet our THREE bachelors!" Yuffie gestured towards the stage, where there were three stools. "The sexy RULER of the Universe (or so he claims), the One Winged Angel himself, SEPHIROTH!"

"I RULE YOU ALL!" Sephiroth said as he walked onto the stage, then gave a quick cough. "I mean, hi."

"Have a seat, ya crazy bastard!" Yuffie slapped his back. "And now for our next lovely bachelor, the Guardian of the weak, sexy battle scarred—THE Zombie with the BOD—Auron!"

Sephiroth moved toward his seat, having to smack a few hands away as they attempted to steal his clothes for selling on Ebay. Auron walked out, permanent sneer lacing his lips, and waved idly. He followed after Sephiroth without being told, giving Yuffie a dangerous look... which was actually his normal glance.

"And last, but not least, the ANTI-SOCIAL, the LONER BOY, THE LION THAT OWES ME FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND MONEY—“

"STOP SCREECHING INTO THE MIC!" Kairi threw her donut at Yuffie.

"Okay, okay!" Yuffie pouted then smiled. "The ultimately sexy WILD cat himself, Squall Leonhart!"

Squall came walking onto the stage, 'accidentally' stomping on Yuffie's foot, muttering a, "You sure know how to exaggerate 5 bucks," as he passed.

"Ow! Hey!" Yuffie jumped on one leg, whining.

"Oh, get ON with it!" Kairi threw another donut.

"Fine, fine!" Yuffie put on her best smile. "Now that our lovely gentleman are all sitting on our stools, lets meet our lovely Bachelorette-erm... Bachelor... yeah." She coughed. "And remember people, the contestant CANNOT see our three handsome gentleman, so don't throw any hints at him! Here's the beautiful, blond, loving, my bestest friend—"

"I get it Yuffie." Cloud walked in, crossing his arms. He looked a little sour. "Why am I doing this again?"

"Embarrassing Christmas party photos!" Yuffie cooed. Cloud flinched.

The girls squealed as he came on stage, some throwing their panties at him.

Cloud twitched as a thing got caught in his hair.

"Go have a seat, Cloud." Yuffie pat his shoulder. "And just read these! Its simple stuff, and it'll help you choose your DREAM date!"

"I'm trying to find—" Cloud began.

"Yeah yeah, the light to your darkness, blah blah.." Yuffie sat him down and Cloud scowled at her. "Just read them. Its easy." Yuffie pat his shoulder, handing him some cards.

The three bachelors sat at their own seats, getting comfortable. Each of them had a different chair. Sephiroth's was a throne, Squall's was a bird's nest chair so he could lounge, and Auron's was a bean bag chair... What? Can't tough guys like pink bean bag chairs?

"All right Cloud, now that we're all settled, why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?" Yuffie chirped. Cloud opened his mouth, but was cut off. "NO NEED TO WORRY. We composed a video for you to teach the audience EXACTLY who you are and who you are all about! ROLL FILM!"

There was a short film of random KHII and KHI footage, with Yuffie's TERRIBLE voice acting. "MY NAME IS CLOUD AND I LOVE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH—“

"Oh god..." Cloud covered his face.

Sephiroth and Squall burst out laughing behind the curtain, Sephiroth louder then the brunet. Auron was coughing into his hands-trying to hide a snicker as they watched on.

"I hate you Yuffie." Cloud said flatly. "Sooo much..."

The film ended. And of course, the audience was practically eating it all up. "You're so sweet Cloud!" "We love you!" "Pick number two!" "Sign my breasts!"

Everyone clapped as the movie ended, the bachelors forcing themselves to calm down. ... all but Sephiroth, who kept laughing.

Cloud almost threw up.

"Okay, moving on people!" Yuffie seemed quite pleased. "Now, for the QUESTIONS! Cloud, there are three sets of color coded cards for each round, as we discussed—"

"We never discussed—“

"—the first round being in red! There are three questions per round- and of course feel free to ask any other questions you may have—"

"Can I shove that mic up your cu—"

"—all pertaining to the bachelors of course!" Yuffie chirped. "And now, lets begin!"

Sephiroth finally stopped laughing, sitting up straight... and looking down upon all the audience with a very threatening look, one so frightening that even grown men would quiver!

Many blew kisses in return, most giggled.

"Your first question Cloud!" Yuffie urged.

Cloud sighed in a defeated manner, giving in. For now. He looked at the first set of cards, "... and I can ask any bachelor?" he asked dully.

"Yep. Doesn't have to be in order." Yuffie nodded.

"All right then.." Cloud cleared his throat. "Bachelor number three, I enjoy— What the fuck?... I enjoy an icecream cone on a hot, hot day..." he grit his teeth. "If you were a flavor, what flavor would you be? As I would..." his eyes went wide. "I AM NOT SAYING THAT."

"SAY IT." Yuffie brandished photo negatives.

"..." Cloud winced. "As I'd love to lick you all up..."

"SQUEEE!" the audience screeched.

"I'd be the flavor of DOOM!" Sephiroth said, then laughed maniacally."I mean, vanilla."

"... okay..." Cloud had a blank expression. "... why Vanilla?"

"BECAUSE IT'S PLAIN AND NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT! I mean... 'cause it's creamilicious?"

"..." Cloud cleared his throat. "Moving on. Number two, same question..."

"...Cookie dough." Came the short, simple reply.

"Why cookie dough?" Cloud blinked.

"Because I like cookie dough. Why do I need a reason?"

"Good enough..." Cloud looked at the cards. "Uh... same for number one?"

"I'd be mocha swirl. Because I'm not allowed to have straight caffeine anymore..."

"Works for me..." Cloud sighed. He glanced at the cards, picking out the next question. "For bachelor number one: if we were to grow old together, would you take care of me or force my care to some hapless nurse because you cant... change.. my... old man... diapers..." He looked at the hostess with a glare. "YUFFIE!"

Yuffie whistled innocently.

"I'd probably have al-timers by then, so that's really something you need to ask yourself about me."

"Good point.." Cloud tore up that question. "Never mind about that. Here's a better one--" he cleared his throat before speaking. “Marriage may come into question if our relationship lasts long enough, how do you feel about a family?" Cloud really didn't mind kids... it was a good question... WAIT A MINUTE. HE DIDN'T AGREE TO ANY OF THIS.

"I don't mind kids." Came Bachelor number one's reply. "I look at it like this; either I have none, or I have a lot."

Cloud blushed brightly. The crowd squealed with joy. "MPREG!"

"HELL NO." Cloud flicked them off.

Bachelor number 1 laughed.

"Um.. number two, same thing..." Cloud muttered, willing the heat in his cheeks to go away.

"I hate children." Auron said, picking his teeth with a dagger.

"And number three?"

"I SHALL FEED ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD TO WILD BOARS! I mean, sure... kids... I won't enslave them."

"..." Cloud coughed. "Okay, Number three is nuts." Yuffie handed him another question card. "Hey, we just went through the last one!"

"You tore up and disregarded the second one." Yuffie chirped. "Christmas—“

"Ok ok!" Cloud huffed. "Bachelor number two... How big is your—“ he choked. "YUFFIE!"

"And now the commercial break!" Yuffie announced. "A word from our sponsors and whatnot!"

Namine set the que cards down, running to Yuffie to adjust her make-up some. Aerith patted Cloud on the shoulder sympathetically. "You doing alright?" She asked in her usual sweet, motherly fashion.

"I want Yuffie to die." Cloud said simply.

Aerith just kept that smile. "So... who do you think you'll pick so far? They all seem nice..."

"Three is nuts, two is boring and one.. seems fairly normal." Cloud said with a nod. "... god, I hate Yuffie."

Aerith gave Cloud a supportive hug. "Just another two rounds to go... You're tough, you'll survive!" He gave his forehead a little kiss, which caused the fangirls to growl at her, then moved back to her station. "Fifteen seconds!"

Cloud just sighed.

Yuffie was back on stage, getting ready.

"Cue cards, Namine." Kairi reminded. "Starting count down."

Namine went back to her cards after a quick final touch, then lifted them up with a grin. "Ready!"

"10... 9... 8... 7... 6..." And the rest was counted with fingers.

"Aaannnd we're back!" Yuffie said brightly. The audience cheered. "We just finished round one, now we're going into round two! The PERSONAL QUESTIONS!" the crowd 'ooooh'd'. "These questions dig preeeetty deep, so beware the drama and angst! Tissues at the ready, ladies!"

Cloud rolled his eyes as the crowd had boxes of kleenex ready.

"The blue cards," Yuffie motioned to Cloud. "Start asking away!

Cloud picked up a card, "Bachelor number three... have you ever felt neglected as a child?"

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential..." Began Bachelor number 3. "Where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving genetics professor from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy... and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Lucrecia with webbed feet. My father would womanize and drink... He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament... My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons... In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds... Pretty standard stuff, really."

"... what the hell?" Cloud muttered. Everyone was stunned into silence.

"What? Isn't that normal? IT'S NORMAL, DAMMIT!" Bachelor number 3 asked, getting a bunch of heads shaking 'no'. The other bachelors stared at him to.

"ANYWAY..." Cloud coughed. "Number two. What about you?"

"I never knew my parents." The crowd 'aww'-ed.

"I see..." Cloud said solemnly. "And.. number one?"

Bachelor number one shrugged. "I grew up in an orphanage with my cousin until she was kidnapped. I was six or seven. My mother died giving birth to me and my father had abandoned me in the orphanage. I found him about ten years later. Turns out he had saved my cousin before anything bad happened and just didn't come back for me for some reason... He never explained why not. Not a bad guy, though."

"..." Cloud nodded. Though he didn't know if the others could see him. He put the card away. "Ok... uh.. next question..." he hoped it wasn't too heart breaking. "Personal peeves. I have many of them. Such as Yuffie or wondering why my ass looks too big in these leather pants-" he scowled at the hostess, who pointed to Kairi, mouthing "She did it!". "-... what annoys you, and why? Number two?"

"Punk teenagers. They think they know everything."

"Short and simple, aren't we?" Cloud frowned.

Bachelor number two shrugged. "Would you rather it be long and dragged out like three's?"

"I RULE YOU!" Bachelor number 3 yelled.

"Actually, I appreciate it. I don't want this to drag for too long. It entertains them." Cloud shuddered. "Number three, same thing."

"THE FACT THAT NO ONE IS BOWING TO MEEEE! I mean... I hate it when you get those little seeds caught in your teeth..."

"Oh, that to." Came Bachelor number two's voice.

"I mean, I love raspberries... but it's annoying!"

"Berries. Gotcha." Cloud's eye twitched. "Number one?"

"Gee, what doesn't piss me off...?" Bachelor number one began to contemplate. "I'd say, as of this moment, being forced onto this game show..."

"Common peeves, I like him already." Cloud nodded.

"And Yuffie. Yuffie really pisses me off."

"Yes!" Cloud slammed a fist into his palm. "I want to STRANGLE her—"

"I'd love to shove her down some stairs—"

"And run her over with my motorcycle—"

"Or beat her in the head with my gunblade—"

"Take the Buster Sword and shove it right through her back—“

"Then stuff her full of poison ivy—“

"Then set her on fire while toasting marshmellows over her flaming carcuss..." they finished together—Cloud almost in a breathless swoon. The crowd 'awwwed'.

"AND THAT ENDS ROUND THREE." Yuffie said quickly, looking as pale as a ghost. "NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS WHILE I HIRE A BODY GUARD!" She sprinted for the doors to Kairi's office.

Aerith was laughing as she came up to Cloud, patting his shoulder. "I think someone has a match! Tee hee!"

"W-what?" Cloud frowned, his blush all but bright. "N-no! We just both hate Yuffie!"

Aerith giggled again. "Awww! Your love for fantasies of hurting Yuffie will bring you together!" She laughed again, making it obvious she was kidding. "Would you like something to drink real quick?"

"A soda, or something.. preferably coke.." Cloud ran a hand through his hair. "Round three is the last one right? How come there's no cards?" he only received a set of blue and red.

"You get to choose the questions this time." Aerith said kindly.

"Good... 'cause if I read anymore of these stupid cards, I may just set Yuffie on fire early." Cloud scowled.

"Starting in one minute!" Kairi called. "Where's Yuffie?"

"Right here!" Yuffie strut back in, looking more confident. A big, black man followed her. "This is Tickles. And he loves sandwiches."

"Damn straight." Tickles nodded.

"He'll be looking after me." Yuffie took her place on stage, Tickles looming behind her.

Aerith laughed again, handing Cloud a bottle of Coke Zero. "Have fun!" She called, moving back to her station.

"Thanks.." Cloud muttered bitterly, taking a swig. Wasnt so bad... though he preferred classic.

"Twenty seconds!" Kairi called. Yuffie was taking a deep breath.

The bachelors were being given drinks as well... Bachelor number one getting Cloud's classic coke. Number two ice water and number three a Bloody Mary.

"Starting count at seventeen!" Kairi motioned to Aeris.

Yuffie adjusted her mic.

"Everyone, put your drinks aside for now!" Aerith called, waving her hands,. Everyone was back in position. "15...14...13...12...11... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6..."

"And we're back!" Yuffie called. "Well protected and raring to go! Its the final round before the choosing! The MISC QUESTIONS!" The crowd cheered. "Now, these don't have color coded cards, these are questions Cloud asks the bachelors- from the top of his head! Lets get started!"

"Bachelor number three..." Cloud began flatly. "What is your mind's state of health?"

"What's that supposed to mean? KNEEL DOWN AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS! I mean... Nah, I want begging."

"I'll take that as... not so healthy." Cloud shook his head. "Bachelor number two, what are your thoughts on decent conversation?"

"I don't mind having a conservation, I just see no point in attempting one unless it's somewhat intelligent. Those questions were stupid, so no effort was needed."

"Respectable. You're fourty aren't you?" Cloud said dully. "You sound like my grandpa.." The crowd gasped. ("Oh no you didn't!" "Jerry! Jerry!" "STFU n00b!")

"Thirty-six. And fuck you." Came the polite response.

"No, thanks. Your dick might shrivel and fall off." Cloud put a hand up. The crowd made a few more bewildered noise—many laughed.

"And finally... Bachelor number one..." Cloud started softly. "... what is your view on.. True Love?"

"True love...? Someone to complete you. That person that recognizes and loves your flaws, yet also helps make up for them while you do the same for that person. Kind of like yin and yang, or darkness and light. One can't exist without the other."

"Darkness and light.." Cloud nodded. He understood completely. There was a small smile on his face.

"AND THAT'S IT!" Yuffie cried with enthusiasm. "Next we move onto the judging! AFTER A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS! Tickles, I want a sandwich!"

"Hell yea." Tickles went off to the staff buffet table.

Aerith walked up to Cloud again. "So, who do you think you'll be picking...?" She already knew the answer and her tone told him so. The blond had made it rather obvious...

"You'll see my final decision once this damn thing starts up again." Cloud took another long swig of his coke. "... to be honest, I just wanna get the fuck out of here.."

"By yourself or with your date?"

"..." Cloud just blushed, taking another drink.

"Places everyone! Sixty seconds!" Kairi called. "Last segment! Ready credits! Tidus!"

"Ya?" Tidus looked at her.

"Have Tickles bring me a sandwich."

"Alright people, twelve seconds!" Called Aerith, clapping her hands as she moved back into position. "And no sandwich, Tickles! She can wait!"

"12...11...10...9...8...7...6..."

"Mmmhhhmm..." Tickles was making the entire set a giant sub.

"And we're back!" Yuffie called happily, striking her awesome pose. "And Cloud has made his too awesome possum decision! Just WHO will it be? Lets watch! Cloud, who have you decided to be your ultra SEXY dream date!"

Bachelor number one was laying across his chair, legs hanging over one edge as his head hanged over the other. He had his hands conjoined over his lap. Auron was leaning back and crossing his legs casually. Sephiroth was pushing a button on his chair's arm that made flames come out on the tops of his chair's posts.

"After... careful deliberation..." Cloud frowned in thought. "I came to a decision based on what I liked and what I didn't like... Bachelor Number three, you are very, VERY outspoken. And you seem confident as a dictator. However, I hate the fact that you're a crazy bastard. So no, to number three."

"Awww... how SAD!" Yuffie cried. "Well, come on out! And Cloud, see EXACTLY what you may be missing out on! SEPHIROTH!"

Sephiroth walked out behind the curtain, waving to the fangirls.. and getting smacked in the face with a thong.

"Wait a minute.. SEPHIROTH?" Cloud stood up. "Didn't I KILL YOU? Like... THREE times including the Meteor fiasco?"

"...No?" Sephiroth attempted, smiling. "You killed the clones, silly head!"

"Oh, get out before I kill you a fourth time! Clone or no clone!" Cloud snapped. He sat down heavily.

Sephiroth shrugged. "See you after I dominate the world!" He said cheerfully, running out... a pair of wings popping out from his ass and one from behind his somehow used them to fly once he was out of the door.

"One down, two to go!" Yuffie chirped.

"Bachelor number two," Cloud began. "You're very reserved, know when to speak, knowledgable and intelligent. What I didn't like was that you seem boring." He cleared his throat. "Bachelor number one, we seem to have a lot of things in common. Plenty of things we can talk about, such as killing Yuffie. Despite what people say, I like a good conversation. What I didn't like... was... well, how creepy it is that we're so much like each other."

Both bachelors shrugged. Auron began to read Vogue, Leon was shining his gunblade.

"I have to say... sorry, number two... it just wont work out. Father-Son relationships are only hot to fangirls." Cloud said dully.

Yuffie laughed. "Come on out number two!"

Auron gave a laugh as he stood up, coming from behind the curtain before he could be introduced. He walked over to Cloud and told him in a whisper: "And cocky blonds are only attractive to brooding brunets." Then, he walked out.

"Aren't you a zombie?" Cloud blinked. But Auron was already gone.

"Well, two down!" Yuffie wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. "That means you've chosen your dream date! Now, before we reveal him, does Bachelor Number One have anything to say?"

"Tickles can't be with you twenty-four hours a day... You don't have the money for that kind of service."

"Grrr... THAT'S NOT RELEVENT!" Yuffie screeched. Then coughed, regaining composure. "Besides, I can pay him with sandwiches. Right Tickles?"

"Eat fresh, mmhmm..." Tickles was already eating a portion of the sub.

"Well, here he is," Yuffie pulled back the curtain herself. "Cloud Strife, your DREAM MAN, Squall Leonhart!"

Squall was still lounging on the nest chair, not looking up. He had stolen Auron's Vogue, now flipping through the pages.

"Y-you.." Cloud was shocked none the less. "You were in the Hades tournaments! We partnered!"

Squall blinked, then looked up. "Yeah... Um, hi?" He didn't feel awkward suddenly, oh noooooo...

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Yuffie tried to push Cloud towards him. "Go! Get horny!"

"You... I kicked your ass in the eleventh round." Cloud remembered suddenly. Yuffie couldn't budge him from his spot.

"And I made up for it the round after that..." Squall replied, tossing the magazine aside. "What's your point?"

"My point is..." Cloud began, now marching over to Squall. Yuffie fell over ("Ow!"). He took the brunet by the collar and made him sit straight up. "Why haven't I done this sooner...?" He smashed their lips together. The crowd broke into loud cheers.

Squall was just a tad bit surprised by that, helpless in his little nest chair. He didn't seem to mind though, moving his gloved hand into Cloud's hair and kissing back as his eyes closed.

"IT'S LOVE!" Yuffie sang, getting up. "Let's CELEBRATE! SANDWICHES!"

"Way ahead o' you." Tickles was serving everyone a sandwich.

Squall pulled Cloud into his chair, still kissing him firmly. He kept one hand in the blond's hair as the other rubbed his back.

Cloud moaned happily, clutching at Leon's tight shirt. Their bodies seemed to fit perfectly with one another. He pulled back for air, "God, your muscles are bigger than mine..."

"You just figured that out...?" Squall asked, panting. "I figured the short sleeves would have told you that..."

"I just assumed we had the same body type..." Cloud shrugged. "Guess I was wrong..." He kissed Leon's neck with featherlight touches.

Squall tilted his neck for Cloud, still rubbing his back. He had forgotten they were being watched... by fangirls and the media... until a stampede began to arise from the audience, making him go wide-eyed. "Oh boy..."

"Oh... I was getting comfortable.." Cloud frowned. "... let's get out of here and... find someplace.. private?"

"You sure you're ready, oh great 'Lone Wolf'?" Squall asked with a quirk of his brow.

"I can take you on any day." Cloud began, then whispered. "Even tangled in the sheets..."

Squall smirked. "I like that idea... Now get up so we can run away before the fangirls maul us."

"Yeah.." Cloud nodded, getting up quickly. He took Squall's hand, running straight for the exit. There was a huge smile on his face.

Squall allowed himself to be jerked up from his seat, following quickly after Cloud. Aerith was chuckling at them as they left. "Oh, yes... Yuffie, you are sneaky sneaky. But how did you know Cloud would choose Squall? He could have just as easily chosen Auron."

"Because just as that old Zombie said," Yuffie dusted off her shorts, smiling brightly. "Brunets have a thing for cocky blonds. And I know Squall will love swallowing as much of Cloud's blond cockiness as he can."

Aerith rolled her eyes. "I meant how did you know he'd pick Squall? Not 'How did you know he'd like him'? We all knew Squall was perfect for Cloud, but Cloud didn't."

"Because the feeling is mutual." Yuffie said. "... they both want me dead. TICKLES! GIMME A SAMMICH" and she was distracted.

Aerith laughed again, deciding to chalk it up to fate. Namine walked up to her. "One coupling down, just a few more to go!" She said with a laugh. "Next up; Riku and Sora!"


	2. Riku and Sora

Aerith was looking over some papers quickly as Kairi and Namine fussed over Yuffie's make-up. Her body guard, still around just in case of Leon and/or Cloud attack, was standing near-by eating his usual sandwich. She smiled at every one, waving her hand to get attention. "Okay, the contestants—all but contestant three—are here and so is the bachelorette! I mean... Bachelor." She chuckled. "Are we all ready to bring another great couple together?"

Namine chuckled, giving an energetic: "Yes and yes!"

"Yay mansex!" Yuffie declared, standing up. She didn't need much make up, and Kairi wasn't much of a make up artist. That's why she went immediately back to her Director's Chair, while Tidus messed with the camera.

"Also, you may want to keep Tickles close. Cloud and Leon reserved the entire right front row for themselves and they're brandishing their swords." Aerith informed, patting Yuffie on the shoulder. "Good luck! Thirty seconds!" She walked to stand under the camera where Wakka was.

Yuffie squeaked, nearly flinching at the mention of Cloud and Leon. She glanced over at the right front row. Cloud was leaning on Leon, looking comfy. But menacingly holding that Buster Sword in his gloved hand.

Leon was leaning his head against his lover's, giving a particularly creepy grin... and a little wave when Yuffie looked their way, one hand brandishing the gunblade.

"Alright people!" Came Aerith's sweet voice. "The audience and their stuffed partners are all seated! 10... 9... 8... 7... 6..." She counted the last seconds with her fingers.

Yuffie jumped in front of the camera as soon as it hit 'one'. "HELLO! and Welcome to another Crazy SEXY Game where we force two hot guys to have wild monkey sex!"

Kairi slapped her forehead. "ITS A DATING GAME—not PORNO!"

"Same thing!" Yuffie puffed out her chest. "Now, lets meet our lovely bachelors for this evening's game!"

The cameras all turned toward the entrance where the contestants would be filing out, the first one made to wait near the stage until their introduction.

"Our first contestant is the lovely naive brunet with bright blue eyes!" Yuffie bat her eyelashes for emphasis. "And a huge tool for pleasin' the ladies! Meet the keyblade master himself, Sora!"

Sora came out, his hands hiding his face as he shook his head. He gave a sigh as he walked up on stage, giving Yuffie a pout. "Why am I doing this again...?"

"Because I promised cookies. Now go sit down over there." Yuffie pointed to the stool.

"Oh yeah! Cookies!" Sora grinned wide, running behind the curtain and taking his seat. Last time the chairs had been customized for each contestant... this time, only two stools and Sephiroth's throne was around.

"And next, we have a familiar face people!" Yuffie clapped her hands. "The wanna-be overlord whose first words were 'world domination'—SEPHIROTH!"

"I DO NOT 'wanna-be', I AM AND RULE YOU SO HARD!" Sephiroth stated as he came out on stage, eye twitching. "I mean... Great to be back!" He moved to take his seat, Sora giving him a confused glance.

"...Didn't I kill you... twice?"

"I already went over this with Cloud."

"He's like a roach!" Cloud called. "He just wont die--ooohh..." apparently, Leon decided it would be fun to start kissing his neck.

"While he's distracted for most of the show," Yuffie said. "Let us meet our final contestant! Who should be coming in..." she checked her watch. "... now..."

The doors opened and Cid walked in, wearing fuzzy slippers and button up pajamas. He yawned, waddling in, suddenly looking confused. "What the hell are you all doin' in my bathroom?"

"Cid, for the last time..." Namine stated, rubbing her temples as she held the cue cards. "This isn't your apart—“

She was cut off by Aerith who said, "Cid, you're in a dream! Go sit on a stool behind the curtain and you might win a hot hot date! Maybe next time you dream you won't be in pajamas, though!" Aerith shrugged when Namine gave her a questioning look. "We need a contestant... The third canceled."

Leon indeed found it fun to kiss Cloud's neck, nipping his collar-bone.

"Shit, really?" Cid dropped his news paper, running to the stage and plopping on the stool. "Hey, aren't you dead?" He looked up at Sephiroth.

"It's a dream, remember? I RULE YOU!" Sephiroth replied, then twitched.

"Naw, in my dream, I rule YOU." Cid crossed his arms.

Yuffie cleared her throat. "NOW.. to meet our player, the one with the SHOT AT LOVE, the EMO MAN himself, Riku!"

Riku walked on, looking as equally confused. He was in the organization cloak, blindfold and all. "... this isn't the Darkness, is it?"

All the girls in the stands began to scream—standing up in their pajamas and clapping hard with their stuffed animals in hand. Girls, like with Cloud, began throwing their panties on stage—though it was triple the amount... and it also had a few bras. "Riku, marry me!" "Oh, Riku!" "You're hot!"

Luckily, Riku was blind... and a raging homosexual. He shrugged off the panties and bras, shuddering. Yuffie led him to his own stool. "Riku! Good to see you buddeh! How are you?"

"Searching for the light." Riku said quietly, causing some girls to go "awww...".

Aerith made the symbol for Yuffie to take Riku's blindfold off. She mouthed, "Explain to him he doesn't need it when he's not IN the darkness at the moment."

The girls squealed at him. "Riku, get naked!"

Sora blinked. "...Riku?" He asked quietly to himself, more confused then ever.

Kairi made a motion for the girls in the stands to hush up. "Quiet! The bachelors will HEAR you!"

"Okay, blindfold needs to come off..." Yuffie murmured, reaching behind him to undo it. Riku slapped her hands away. "Ow!"

"Sorry." Riku said. "I cant take them off."

"You can, and you will." Yuffie huffed, pouting. "You need to read these cards." She reached again, only to have the same treatment. "OW!"

Aerith walked up this time, saying softly: "Riku... Why do you need the blindfold? Didn't you already defeat your inner darkness? And besides... you only need that when you're battling... You're in a studio, no battles for miles. Take it off for an hour? It'll be worth it, I promise..."

"No... I mean it. I cant take it off." Riku tugged on it. "I've tried. Axel thought it would be funny to glue it to my face."

Aerith laughed, able to pull it off his hair at least. It wasn't even glued to Riku's bangs. "Take a deep breath now!" She warned, before jerking the blind off Riku's face—glad it wasn't attached to his hair.

And to say the least, the screaming and swearing was NOT sexy.

Yuffie flinched, looking towards the camera. "Sorry kiddies."

Aerith cooed, giving Riku a hug and rocking him gently. "There there..." Namine came running up with a container of creme in hand. She began to dab Riku's face to cool the sting. Once she had, Namine and Aerith went back to their posts.

Sora blinked. "I think I recognize all that cussing... Reminds me of the time I accidentally dropped dad's 40 pounds weight on Riku's foot when we were younger."

"ITS NOTHING IMPORTANT!" Yuffie screeched to the bachelor side of the stage, making them jump. She went back to hosting. "Okay! Now, we all remember the rules! Three rounds, two sets of cards!" She passed those to Riku, who was still rubbing his poor face.

The girls began to cheer again, throwing their underwear onto Riku once more, enough to leave him in a pile of it. "Your eyes are so beautiful!" "We love you!"

Riku shuddered again, opening a portal to kick all the underwear into. "Ewwww..."

The panties fell on top of the contestants.

"Hey!" Sora squeaked.

"It really is a dream come true!" Cid huggled a huge bra. "I love you dreams!"

"Riku!" Called a few girls, lifting their shirts up.

Sora blinked. "Aren't those... OH GOD, SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE!"

"I'm gonna really go blind!" Riku shut his eyes tight.

"HEY!" Kairi snapped. "SHIRTS DOWN OR NO STRIP SHOW!"

The girls sat down, excited to hear there would be a strip show.

"Okay, well, back to hosting!" Yuffie exclaimed. "You all know the rules by now, two sets of cards, three rounds! Since I'm not on a never-ending quest to utterly humiliate him like I am with Cloud and Leon, here's an introductory AMV to our emo darkness friend! ROLL YOUTUBE!"

Tidus did so, putting the video up on the wide screen above the stage for the fangirls to swoon over.

Cloud and Leon were heard growling like fiends.

Everyone watched... But the contestants. Another curtain was lifted so they couldn't see, making Sora pout and Sephiroth yawn.

"I hate techno." Riku muttered, looking at his own little viewing screen. "But I do look hot on that tower top..."

And everyone agreed.

Once it was over, Yuffie began the first round. "Okay Riku, ask away!"

Riku looked down at his first set of colored cards, clearing his throat. "I love fuzzy animals... I do?" He looked at Yuffie, who nodded. "Okay, I love fuzzy animals. If you could be my pet, what animal would you be. Contestant one?"

"I like fluffy animals, soooo... Probably a bunny or a mouse." Sora replied, giving a sweet-sounding laugh.

The audience 'aww'ed. Riku had a look of familiarity on his face. "... contestant two, same question..." he said absently.

"I WOULD BE A GIGANTIC CARNIVORE, LIKE A BIG WHITE WOLF- AND KILL ALL THE CHILDRENS! I mean... I'd be a hedge hog. For... pokey... ness."

Riku twitched. "...dad, is that you?"

That caused the audience to GASP.

"I KNEW IT!" Yuffie screeched.

"... Uh... No?" Sephiroth tried, twitching. "You'd be crazier, trust me..!" He sing-songed in reply.

"Yeah. You're right." Riku shrugged. "And number three?"

"You sound a bit gruff for a woman." Cid grunted. "But fer a pretty lady, I'd be a moogle."

Some people cooed at him. "How sweet!"

"I may be cute, but I really know how to kick the competition in the nads." Cid grumbled. "Bloody moogles and their punches..."

"What about you? What animal would you be?" Sora asked curiously.

"Me..?" Riku blinked. "Well... maybe a big white husky..."

"I have a friend with that dog! I love huskies... I'm gonna steal his dog someday!" Sora chuckled.

Aerith gave Yuffie the warning look, which meant 'Why are you letting Sora ask questions?'

Yuffie was cooing, but caught the look. "UHH! RIKU! Next question please!"

Riku looked up, "Oh, yeah... right..." he looked down at the card. "Three... food. What's your favorite."

"In short, EVERYTHING." Cid licked his lips.

"Okay..." Riku blinked. "Um... two, same thing."

"FOOD DOES NOT EAT ME, I EAT THE FOOD! Oh wait... Let me correct that: I LOVE THE TASTE OF DEATH! I mean—pizza is good."

Riku got off his stool, moved it a few feet down, then sat again. "And number one?"

"I eat almost anything! Except black olives..." Sora replied, rocking in his own seat. He didn't seem too disturbed by Sephiroth.

Riku just chuckled. "Oh, the memories... I used to trick a friend of mine into eating them all the time..."

"Really...?" Sora wasn't the fastest mind around, but he was about to state something Riku would know all too easily--blowing their cover.

Aerith gave Yuffie the warning look again.

"HEY!" Yuffie jumped in front of Riku, doing a little dance. "More questions, less reminiscing on childhood memories!"

"Okay, okay..." Riku gave her an odd look. "Um.. last question... one, if you could take me anywhere, where would we go?"

"You'll laugh, but, um... I'd wanna go to Disney World." Sora chuckled nervously, blushing slightly.

Riku smiled. "Who doesn't wanna go to Disney World?"

Sora laughed in return. "Exactly!"

"Number two, same thing."

"Hmmm... I'd want to go to... MY OWN KINGDOM OF HORRORS! HAHAHAHAHAH! I mean, Paris sounds lovely, don't you think?" Sephiroth crossed his legs and flicked back his long air.

Riku moved his chair one more scotch down. "... right. Paris. And three?"

"My trailor." Cid said with a sniff. "Couple of beers, a movie... coleslaw. Romantic evenin'."

Aerith chuckled at Cid. Oh yes... He'd get a girlfriend with that (not).

"..." Riku looked a wee bit disturbed. "... I'm... am I done?" he looked at Yuffie.

"For round one!" Yuffie looked back at the camera. "Now, for a word from our sponsors!"

Aerith moved onto the stage once the commercials were rolling, walking up to Riku with a sweet smile. "How are we doing? Any interests so far...?" She was holding the creme, gently applying more to sooth Riku's skin. "... Or... are you too busy thinking about a certain brunet to really choose?"

Riku sighed, looking off to the side as Aerith applied the cream to his face. His skin really burned. "... I suppose... if I had to choose... the first one." he looked back at her. "He seems really sweet. As for the other two..." he paused. "... screaming radish."

"Screaming radish?" Aerith asked, chuckling. "What do you mean by that?" She noticed how he avoided her brunet comment.

"When there are no words for it." Riku smiled softly. "... Axel told me that one. And something about the internet.."

Aerith chuckled again. "Well... I'm sure whoever you pick will be nice, cute, and you'll love him to death... And I think Sora will approve to."

"... I hope so..." Riku murmured, sighing. _In all reality, I don't want to choose... I just want Sora.._

Aerith pat his head as she heard Kairi call the time. Ten seconds... She moved back to under the camera near Tidus. "8... 7... 6..."

"And we're back!" Yuffie cooed, jumping up and down excitedly. "Now for round two! Cards at the ready, lets have the first question!"

Riku cleared his throat, looking down at his cards. "Bachelor number one... lets talk about the future. Where do you see yourself in three years?"

"Honestly? No idea... I never think about the future, I usually just worry about what I can do now. I mean, who wants that kind of pressure? Isn't current stress bad enough?" Sora replied, making the audience gawk. Since when did Sora ever act... smart in any way?

"Well, that's a very wise answer. You're very intelligent, for someone who sounds so young." Riku said. “And familiar...”

"Thankies!" Sora replied cheerfully.

“Really familiar...” Riku sighed, going back to his cards. "Number two?"

"I see myself... RULING YOU ALL WITH AN IRON FIST!" Sephiroth blinked, giving a rather crazy laugh. "I kid! I see myself in a nice... desk job of sorts!"

"I wish I could move my stool entirely off the stage." Riku twitched. "Um... three?"

"I see myself fuckin' rich. On a yacht. Surrounded by hot babes with huge tits." Cid nodded. "I don't mean huge tits, I mean HUGE TITS."

"I don't think he's gay..." Bachelor number one suddenly announced.

"Gay?" Cid scoffed. "'Course not! Isn't this a babe show?"

Sora was about to shake his head no... When Aerith caught his attention with a squeaking banana. He lost his train of thought, making Aerith grin.

"Moving on!" Yuffie urged for the next question.

"Uh... bachelor one.." Riku looked at his cards. "Munny. What does it mean to you?"

Sora shrugged, though it wasn't seen. "I like to travel a lot, so it's important at times... But I prefer living with only what I need."

Riku nodded. "And.. I'm so scared to ask... two?"

"Money! Ha! Who needs it! Who really needs to... touch munny... or feel it... or sniff it for long, irrational periods of time... not... me... Nooo..." Sephiroth twitched.

Riku coughed. "Three..?"

"Yacht. Big tits." Cid said with a nod. He was smoking now.

"... Right. Huge tits and a boat. Gotcha." Riku blinked. "Third question. One... who's your hero, and why?"

"My best friend..." Sora said, embarrassed. "I've looked up to him since I was little. He tries really hard at anything he does."

"Really?" Riku blinked. "Wow... same here..."

Bachelor number one chuckled boyishly.

"Awww.." the audience cooed.

Riku just smiled a little to himself. "... number... two?"

"I am my own hero for being so GREAT!"

"You make me fear for your health." Riku said flatly.

"I love ME! HAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Three?" Riku winced.

"Rocky. Now he was a ladies man." Cid grinned.

"Riiiight.." Riku rolled his eyes.

Yuffie jumped in. "That was round two! Be ready ladies and gentlebeasts for round three, as soon as we get back from commercial!"

Aerith walked up to Riku again as the commercial went on, smiling like always. "Want something to drink for the final round? It's all your questions."

"Water would be nice." Riku said, checking a mirror Yuffie gave him to check on his face. It looked normal, no red marks. "... thank goodness... I thought that glue was going to tear some skin.."

Aerith chuckled. "Axel isn't cruel enough to use super glue. Now THAT would have hurt."

"You don't know Axel well then.." Riku twitched, remembering the other pranks the redhead Nobody pulled.

"One minute!" Kairi called.

"Maybe on your clothes, but never on your face." Aerith replied, giving his face a quick check. "I'll get you water real quick." And she was off, jogging over to the water tank, then running back with a small cup of water.

"Thanks." Riku took the cup gratefully, downing the contents in one swig. Everyone went back to their stations, Yuffie enthusiastically jumping in front of the camera, and dodging a gun shot. Everyone turned to the front right row, expecting to see Leon. Surprisingly, it was Cloud holding the gun blade.

"He's... teaching me how to use it." Cloud said flatly, looking sour at missing his target.

Leon pat Cloud's back. "You're getting there... Just remember it jumps to the left a bit. I need to correct that..."

"10... 9... 8... 7... 6..." It was Aerith, signaling the rest with her hands.

Yuffie, twitching, shakily saluted the camera. "A-and we're back! Hohohohoho... round three people. Now, these are the last questions, okay Riku? Go ahead and ask away..."

Riku blinked, glancing at his cards. "Guess I don't really need these." He stuffed them in his coat pocket anyway. "Contestant one... um... what's your hobby?"

"Traveling, fishing, killing heartless, hanging with friends, music, and I don't know if it's considered a hobby, but I tend to make stuff explode a lot." Number one laughed again.

"... You really do sound like someone I know." Riku said, sighing a little sadly. "Number two, same thing."

"WORLD DOMINATION! That or painting. So relaxing!"

"World domination, enslaving children and... oh... tripping old women?" Riku asked sweetly.

"Why, yes... It's as if you KNOW me!" Sephiroth sounded impressed.

"... I just had a feeling.." Riku slapped his forehead. "Three..?"

"Hmm... fixin' stuff." Cid nodded. "Like cars, boats, gummi ships—anything with an engine."

"... manly enough."

"Isn't it?"

Sora was rocking on his seat, giving a sigh. He waved to Leon and Cloud as he just now noticed them.

Cloud waved back, leaning on Leon still.

Leon shook his head at Sora, amazed he'd just now notice... He blinked, suddenly realizing something as he looked down at Cloud. "...I think... The girls tricked us into being together. Like they're tricking Riku and Sora now... This whole thing is a con."

"I had a feeling..." Cloud murmured. "I'm sort of thankful..." he looked up at Leon, kissing his cheek. "But I still want her dead."

Leon looked down at Cloud, glaring. "And you didn't point it out...? I just noticed it." He looked back to the stage. "When we get home, I'm taking the whip out."

Cloud visibly shivered. Oh god YES...

Just on stage, they were finishing up commercial. "And back again...!" Yuffie was wary, wearing a bullet vest, helmet and knee pads. "... and Riku has to choose his new true love!"

Riku sighed, looking emo again.

The entire crowd looked tense, some chewing on their dolls, as they awaited Riku's choosing. Leon didn't look like he cared, already getting started on 'punishing' Cloud by biting his neck.

"So, go ahead Riku!" Yuffie said brightly.

Riku looked thoughtful. "Well... there are somethings I liked... and some things I just didn't like about the contestants... number two for example, is utterly insane. The only thing I liked was.. his ambition, I suppose. Definite no there."

"Well then, come on out number two and see what you may be missing!" Yuffie announced.

Sephiroth got off his throne as he was called, grinning like a lunatic as he walked past Riku—wings out of his ass and all. "Hiiiii!"

Riku gawked. "Aren't you dead?"

Sephiroth began to sing "O' Mary!" as he left, ignoring the question.

"..." Riku shook his head. "I should have known..."

"Who else shall be eliminated?" Yuffie urged.

"Um.." Riku tapped his chin. "Well, number three—I like that you're handy, and... manly."

Cid chuckled, looking rather smug.

"... but I don't think we're compatible, and never will be." Riku said flatly. "So.. no.."

"Aww... shucks.." Cid stepped out, about to ask why. Only to gape. "YOU'RE NOT A CHICK!"

Aerith chuckled, giving Cid an apologetic wave.

"... Yep. I'm a dude. Bye." Riku waved.

Cid looked ready to kill someone. So, he attempted to kill Yuffie. "YOU'RE DEAD WOMAN!"

"OH GOD!" Yuffie started running. "WHERE THE HELL IS TICKLES?"

"Makin' a sammich." Kairi said, watching Tickles make her a sandwich.

"So I guess that leaves me with one.." Riku cleared his throat.

Bachelor number one stood up from the stool and shyly popped his head out. He blinked his big blue eyes before walking out on stage with a grin. "Riku? So it was you!"

"Sora...?" Riku looked up, blinking in surprise. "... I thought that was your voice but..." he stood slowly.

Sora walked over to Riku until they were only about a foot away. "Hi! Why the cloak?"

"Never mind that.." Riku shook his head. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to be your dream date!" Sora announced cheerfully, giving a big smile and flinging his arms into the air. "And Yuffie promised me cookies."

Yuffie was still running from Cid, dodging his electric lance.

"Oh..." Riku rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh... opened a portal and suddenly ended up here.."

"Well, I guess it's great for everyone." Sora put his arms down around Riku's neck. "I didn't think you liked me like that!"

"I didn't think you liked me at all.." Riku was still emo of course, hesitantly wrapping his arms around Sora's waist.

"Ah, Riku... I love you, silly!" The entire crowd 'Aww'-ed.

Riku smiled slowly, giving Sora's nose a shy kiss. The crowd 'aww'ed and cooed again.

Sora chuckled, jumping forward and giving his lips a straight kiss. The crowd went wild, squealing. Aerith and the girls not Yuffie, since she had three maniacs on her tail trying to kill her (Cloud, Leon, and Cid), looked a bit shocked. When Sora broke away, he turned to them and said: "What? I've been trying to bang him for years!"

Riku hugged Sora tightly, pulling him into another sweet kiss. He picked the other up, smiling slightly, carrying him off the stage.

Sora wrapped his legs around Riku's waist, arms hugging his neck. He kissed Riku back, hearts practically popping up above his head as he was carried away.

"Awww..." the audience cooed until Riku and Sora were out of sight.

"Well, that ends this show..." Yuffie panted in front of the camera. "I'll.. see you all next time--" she dodged another bullet. "GOD, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?" she started running again; Leon, Cloud and Cid on her tail.


End file.
